"Mumble, mumble, hey, mumble, girl, blah blah blah, honey."
I was sitting at the gas station ignoring a car full of men parked to my left. As is my habit, my skirt was pretty short and I figured that whatever was coming out of their mouths wasn’t worth hearing, because the way they looked at me when I exited the gas station was enough to make me wish I was wearing a burqa.
Moments later, my ex-husband pulls up next to me to retrieve our spawn in our bi-weekly spawn trade. I am forced to expose my whole self to these men again as I exit the car to get the spawn supplies from the trunk.
"Hey man! Hey!" yells the idiot they’ve deemed worthy to drive their idiot-mobile around. "You better MARRY that woman FAST because that is a GOOD LOOKIN’ woman."
I immediately snort really loudly because HAHAHA, OVER MY DEAD BODY. I mean we tried that once and I know exactly how that works out. So the concept of purposefully entering a union with this man again is an absolute no go, and the fact that these men have no idea that both of us probably just vommed in our mouths at least a tablespoonful at the notion is SO snort worthy. So yeah. I snorted so hard I think I hurt my nose a little bit and there are probably some motherfuckers somewhere out there who would like to fine me.
The Idiot Driver pulls his car around behind my car so he can continue pretending that I’m invisible while he shouts at my Ex. The Ex says, “Ha, no thanks, sir. We already tried that once.”
"WUT! DID YOU HEAR THAT? Did you HEAR what he said?" Idiot driver exclaims with glee to his idiot car mates. "Oh my god, he said he already tried that!" And then there was much guffawing. I admired Idiot Driver’s concern for his companions’ auditory capabilities. He really wanted to be sure that Tweedles Dum and Dee (or Tweedles SEXIST and RUDE) didn’t miss out on hearing what he considered to be the funniest and most delightful thing that one grown man has ever said to another. Meanwhile, I just stand there and pretend to be a teapot because I’m already being objectified so I want to look the part. I mean, I don’t get a say in any of this, I’m just here for the marryin’!!
Just as I’m tipping myself over to pour myself out, Idiot Driver presses on. “But my MAN. You know you still want that woman. You KNOW you ain’t never EVER gonna find you another woman like that!”
"Oh, yes. I know that," the Ex says with an uncomfortable smile and a look of intense relief in his eyes.
"Yeah you KNOW what I’m saying!" Idiot Driver exclaims triumphantly. He is super stoked that his conspiratorial comrade sees my worth, which is based solely on either my physical appearance, my snorting abilities, or my spot-on impersonation of a teapot because I haven’t said a word yet. Idiot Driver turns to his hearing-impaired buddies and shouts, “He knows what I’m saying!”
I, on the other hand, know that my dear Ex is NOT being complimentary about my wonderful and unique never-gonna-find-it-anywhere-else personality, because that’s EXACTLY what he’s counting on not finding again, and EXACTLY why he married a girl from church this time around.
I bust out of teapot mode and hug my little spawn and send them on their way. Captain Idiot and his companions ride away into the sunset, laughing happily because they’ve made a new friend at the gas station who agrees that “good lookin” women are here for the marryin’ and that’s about all they’re good for.
I hop in the car and drive back to Charleston, the city I moved to, on a whim, because I felt like it, because I’m a tough independent lady and I do whatever I want to when I decide to do it. I don’t just sit around steaming and shouting.